by Oops Pow Surprise 
Basketball. What Winston Churchill himself called “the sport of kings.” And soon, this, now, its skull-quaking climax: March Madness.
I find it fitting, then, that the sport of kings appears to be dominated by “Duke,” a school in North Carolina world-renowned for two things: its basketball players, like Chris Collins and Tyrone Hill, and its cheerleaders, like Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas. The “Blue Devils,” named so for their mischievous nature and the color of their blood, look to be the odds-on favorites to win the title…
Aha. Aha. As the title of the post states, the theme here is anarchy! There are no rulers born in this tournament, no tickets to the next round punched before the game, no hope for privileged royalty in the face of anarchy!
Thus, Duke will be one of the first against the wall when the lower-seed uprising comes. They may fatten themselves with cupcakes and undersized, marginally talented subhumans. This comfort is short-lived; après ça, le déluge!
(takes a pill handed to him by a middle-aged woman with a kind, if somewhat forced smile on her face)
Anyway, the way I see it, there are 5 teams–quelle chance, that the number equals our amount of fingers–uniquely positioned to overthrow the Dukes of basketball and bring chaos to this March tournament.
1. The Kansas Jayhawks: What madness in which these players traffic! What gruesome sorcery! Cole Aldrich is half-man, half-great ape; his masters have taught him naught but rebounding and post moves, rather than anything from the sciences to advance human understanding. Should the Jayhawks continue to stifle Aldrich’s wildman tendencies and keep him within the discipline of the king’s sport, their wing players should carry them to victory. Should Aldrich lose control, however, fans within the first 20 rows are in mortal danger! MORTAL DANGER!
Wait, what? I did swallow my pill. Okay, fine, I didn’t. I don’t like the pills. But fine, if it’s that or back to bed, then I’ll take it. Give an old man some water. No, I can’t swallow this without water. Go get some.
Where was I?
2. The Richmond Spiders: Needless to say, any squadron composed entirely of arachnids will most certainly cause trouble for any opposing team. The Spiders are by far the worst offensive rebounding team in the tourney–mainly because they are small, venomous creatures without opposable thumbs–but they make up for it by shooting effectively and poisoning their opponents with their deadly fangs. They finished second in the Atlantic 10 to Temple.
3. The California Golden Bears: Crafting bears out of gold is a dangerous proposition to say the least, and there’s no evidence to suggest that they’ve been properly trained to play any sport other than hockey as yet. But perhaps that’s to work in California’s favor; if they successfully petition the referees to switch their games to iced hockey, the Blue Devils will be caught unaware and will succumb shortly thereafter. At that point the bears will eat the Duke players, because bears are bloodthirsty and have no ethics. Also, here’s the thing about bear hockey: you can teach them to shoot the puck, but you can’t teach them how to be a good goaltender, and so the dynamic of the game is totally different.
You’re back, finally. I thought you’d forgotten, like my family does between Christmas and Memorial Day. Give me that water. There we go. Yes, you may look under my tongue. You see? No more pill. Yes, I’m settling down.
4. The Murray State Racers: These young men are admittedly a longshot to take down the Duke Bluebloods, as they’re on the entirely wrong side of the bracket. Yet I once knew a man named Murray Siegmund Tate, and he was a real go-getter all the way. And if Murray S. Tate can punch his way out of a crowded bar after fourteen ryes on the rocks, then Murray State can make it to the title game, by golly. I don’t even care if they’re “racers.” Things were different in my day, and we could call a [this segment has been redacted out of consideration to the numerous athletes given disparaging nicknames herein]. That’s what I say.
5. The North Carolina Tar Heels: They’re due for a repeat. I can just feel it in my bones. I can also feel changes in barometric pressure and bad days in the stock market. People don’t think the elderly can do it, but that’s all part of their plan to phase us out. We won’t go out lightly, no sir, and neither will the Tarred Heels this March. What’s this you say? The tournament landscape is baron of tar heels? Oh brother.
This column has been written by Adam’s girlfriend’s insane grandfather Lou. Lou is 89 years old and cannot care for himself.
Tags: california golden bears, duke blue devils, grandpa lou, kansas jayhawks, last fan standing, lastfanstanding, lastfanstanding2010, March Madness, murray state racers, north carolina tar heels, richmond spiders
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Author: Oops Pow Surprise Site: http://www.blackheartgoldpants.comTwiiter:
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About: Adam Jacobi was born in a cave, sired by a mountain lion and birthed by a sow. Despite being born in the early '80s, the cave still somehow had wi-fi; there, Mr. Jacobi honed his craft in the art of Internet Writing.28 years later, he writes on several sports sites; when not writing, he throws rocks at other rocks, hoping to scare the rock people away. They have yet to retreat, but morale in the cave remains high all the same.See Authors Posts (1)
